A story on INTIMACY

While growing up I was never too open to hug people or show affection. This was probably related to how I was raised and to all responsibilities that were part of my life during childhood.

When I was 23, I decided to move abroad and my first thought was that this would be a super easy experience. Things like “I don’t need anyone” or “I can manage all by myself”, were recurring on my mind. 

I was fully confident that all would go well and that in case any issue happened or if I was feeling low, sending a text to my family and friends would already sort all the problems; as I was not expecting to make friends super quick. My plan was: go, work, build your career and that’s it.

When I finally arrived at the other side of the globe to kick my new life, all was very new, exciting, intriguing. with so many things for me to learn that I was just busy and entertained most of the time. But as the days passed and all my new work responsibilities started to hit on me, I began to really miss having someone to talk, share ideas in the end of the day and just be there to listen and hold my hand while checking on me. 

Oh lord, I NEVER realized before how those simple intimate moments were so important, meaningful and necessary. To have someone who you feel connected just through the eyes and through a smile and you just know what the person is thinking or feeling, either is a friend, a relative, a romantic partner or actually any person. To have someone who’ll put a hand on your shoulder just to give support, be there for you.

All of that started to consume my mind, it felt really heavy and caused deep reflections about being totally alone in the world: “I don’t know anyone here, except people from work. I don’t trust anyone, I’m simply working and that’s not nice.” But at the same time I was not prepared yet to start being open to make friends and meet other people, as my objective was to be focused on my career.

It took me some reflection to come to the conclusion that the best solution would be: “Elga, you gotta be nicer with your own self, otherwise you’ll go crazy.” After that I started doing some small acts of kindness towards my own self. Writing small notes of encouragement on my phone during the morning so I could read in the evening, arriving at work earlier than usual to treat myself with a cup of tea at the staff cafeteria, enjoying the moment of holding the cup of tea while feeling that warmth and damn… that was really special, because I was missing the warmth, so it felt really good to be my own provider of warmth. It was a beautiful process for me to accept that I was missing the simple action of someone offering me a hand in order to fell that warmth.

For many, many months I held uncountable cups of tea or coffee, not because it was the best tea or the best coffee, but because this small ritual allowed me to develop intimacy with my own self. Looking back I can feel proud of my solution to handle the solitude and more able to appreciate the good moments with people who are dear to me. I learnt that when there’s nobody available, I’m still there.